Reflections

A few months ago my wife bought me an iPad. …and I love it.

I love it as a digital reader, as an iPod, to watch Netflix on, to check Facebook and email, and to play angry birds.

It’s not the easiest device to create blog posts though, so bear with me.

One of the quirks from using my iPad is that when the I catch the screen just right, I catch a glimpse of my reflection.

Its no secret. I am vain. …always have been…

I am one prone to checking out my reflection in mirrors, store windows, the rear view mirror …pretty much anywhere.

…and now my ugly mug is staring back at me a lot.

Who is this guy looking back at me?

For some reason, lately, I’ve been looking more deeply than normal.

Who am I? What have I done with my years? What am I becoming? Who do I want to be? What do I really want to do?

A song I’ve been enjoying says, “I have been quietly standing in the shade, all of my days” …and that’s how I’ve been feeling.

Sometimes when you look at your reflection, you don’t like what you see. Sometimes you focus only on what needs to change…

I’ve been looking though… And I like what I see.

The bible says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14 TNIV)

I like that I am thoughtful. I like that I am creative. I like that I am a learner. I like that I listen. I like that I give good advice. I like that I have a calling. I like that even though I fall, I am not a failure. I like that my kids like me, and that my wife loves me.

I like what I see.

…I like that there are certain things about me that seem to have been formed by my creator.

And as I stare at my reflection, I am more and more convinced that I was shaped to be a pastor.

A pastor without a congregation, perhaps, but a pastor nonetheless.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Insanity

Our family has started doing the “insanity” DVD workouts

I know that picture is terrible …sorry. This post is actually just a test for the blogpress app.

They have been having fun doing insanity though… Tonight was the first night I was home to witness their preparations and the workout.

…from the safety of my couch

I have a tri this weekend, so no need to get all sore…

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Messages, finally!

Okay – it only took me 6 months…lol

But there are finally a few messages in the appropriately titled page.

(and a BIG thank you to Jonathan – the worship guy – at Fellowship RR)

Here’s the link, you can click – or just click that little link labeled “messages/video” at the top of the page.

“I dare you to ask…” – Psalm 139 from Charles Whitmire on Vimeo.

Some decisions hurt

***note: This is an intensely personal post. It deals with my. real. life. Its messy and not altogether pleasant. I am sure it will offend some people, but I really didn’t write it to be intentionally mean. I posted it for a couple of reasons. 1) I process as I write, so its for me. Writing is how I work stuff out, and publishing it to my blog is how I get it off my chest. …not saying that’s necessarily wise 2) It serves as a cautionary tale of sorts. The lesson is this: If someone matters to you: call them, facebook them, text them, write to them – or something. Contact matters.***

I spent this morning alone at the house. I worked last night, so I came home with coffee in hand (yes, I can drink coffee and still go to sleep), I took out the trash, and made myself some breakfast. The family is all out of the house this morning. Caleb had run practice, so my bunch all went for a run!

I turned on the British Open, found Le Tour on T.V. as well (flipping channels is what I call multi-tasking) – then I nestled into the couch…

…and for some odd reason, I started deleting people from my contact list on my phone. People I was once close with. It started out by me just deleting old business contacts mainly …but then it started getting personal.

Allow me to try to explain.

I’m sort of a loner. I’ve always loved “my space.” I’m good with the T.V. on or my Kindle and some coffee. I’m “good” alone. I’m an introvert, and sometimes described as aloof …but I’m changing. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but perhaps over time an old introvert starts needing more …from himself; from family; from friends.

Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty disconnected. It’s really not a sudden thing, but rather something that I think has been building for years. I think it started with a few deaths: Namely, the deaths of my Grandmother, my Mother, and a ministry I led.

I don’t know that I can fully explain it – but when Grandmother died, I feel as if half my family ties went “poof.” I am NOT blaming anyone (but me) for that… The simple truth is that my extended family never has been that close. Holidays were about it, and they seemed to center around getting together at my grandparents for Christmas and/or Thanksgiving. Now that she’s gone, so have the get-togethers. Its not as if the relationships were severed, but more like the connective tissues simply dissolved.

When Mom died, I don’t really know what I expected to happen. My father has always been pretty guarded with his feelings/emotions, etc. I think I got my “aloofness” from him. He seemed content to stay in Wichita Falls – alone. Then he remarried, which I really am happy about – but I can’t help but feel as if I’ve been replaced. I guess I thought that when Mom was no longer sick, I might get my father back. It didn’t happen that way though. My sister and I have tried to stay close, but we both have very busy lives and families. She has kids. I have kids. …and we are really too far apart to make joint activities practical.

Oddly – when I left my last ministry job – I felt like I left most of my friends too. I’m not talking about the people in my church – I expected those relationships to end. I’m talking about people that were “ministry” friends. Mentors and pastors that I’d spent countless hours with, that all the sudden, just vanished out of my life. I think I would have been okay with that had I moved off and found a new church, and a new set of ministry friends – but that’s not what happened. I’m still here. I still live in the same house, in the same town. …I was hurting big-time and really floundering – but out of sight, out of mind I guess.

So here’s the deal.

I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of the feelings that come from un-met expectations. I guess I’m hoping that if I drop the expectations, then maybe I can learn to be okay with that – and truthfully – I have more than enough to focus on. I’m blessed with a great wife, terrific kids, and some pretty special friends.

As one of my favorite cartoonist’s once said, “Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.” – Charles M. Schulz

So… I think I’ve decided to just move on from some relationships…

I’m a big boy. It’s time I stop whining over things that aren’t really going to change. Its time for me to realize that its just not worth it to worry, and sweat, and wrestle over these things anymore. …and believe me, as odd as it is to admit it, I’ve grieved over the loss of many of these relationships.

Maybe relationship truly is about proximity. ie: I am closest to those I am closest to. (?)

…so I deleted some people out of my phone’s contact list. (I really haven’t been talking to them anyway, right?)

…and I deleted a few blogs I read, mainly just to keep up with their authors.

…and I made some changes – that hurt.

But RELAX – I didn’t delete anyone from facebook!

There are some lines one can never cross!!

The playoff beard…

Caleb snapped this pic of me the other day. I started “not shaving” sometime during the World Series playoffs…

Dana pretty much hates it – not necessarily the look, but the feel – and Ashley has agreed.

I kinda like it though – so for now, it stays!

Been thinking of tattoos…

Not sure exactly why, but lately I’ve been thinking a lot about tattoos.

I have one already… It’s a Greek script tattoo straight out of the Bible (Seminary nerd, huh?). The tattoo says, doulos xristou ihsou and means slave of Christ Jesus. It can also be translated as bond-servant or just servant. It’s one of Paul’s favorite names for himself and I have always wanted to have it tattooed on my body. I ended up getting it along my right forearm. I love it. Its a great conversation starter, and I love the reminder it brings every time I glance down.

I doubt my Mother (GRHS) would approve – and my wife has never really warmed to the idea either! It’s hard to argue when a guy tattoos the Bible on his arm though – lol

My next tattoo – note: I am not asking permission or hinting at a maybe, regardless of how much my beloved bride dislikes body art – [My next tattoo] will be an “M-dot.”

I’m doing Ironman Texas in May and to celebrate finishing (I guess I am assuming I will actually finish, which reminds me that I should really start training!) …to celebrate finishing… I am getting a tattoo. I don’t just want an m-dot though, because that would be boring! I want to design something… I’m thinking of an m-dot holding the state of Texas (yes, I know an m-dot has no arms, but we can add some) with the date of the race and my finishing time. I haven’t drawn it out yet, but that’s the idea anyway. It will probably go on my right calf…

I have two other tattoos that I want as well – THESE are subject to approval from my lovely wife

1. I love the latin phrase, omnia vincit amor, or Love Conquers All. I think that would be a great complement to my current tattoo and would look great along my left forearm.
2. I also really like Mentsch tracht, Gott lacht, which is Yiddish and means Man Plans, God Laughs. If I wanted it in Hebrew it would look like this מענטש טראַכט, גאָט לאַכט. …and I have no idea where to put it.

Its sort of funny that I want so many script tattoos – but it sort of makes sense too.

I love words. I love to read, and write, and speaking has been part of my livelihood for a long time. I guess you could say words are my muse – as well as my motivation, inspiration, and frustration

 

Some “not so new” thoughts on weight loss

We all know less calories + burning calories (exercise) = weight loss …right?

The struggle(s) – and solutions – I have are as follows:

1. How do I eat enough, and eat the right things, but not eat too much?

If left to my own devices, I eat pretty terribly: Too much friend food, way too much fat, too much sugar, and just plain too much! Its very tempting for me to try to just stop eating – seriously, fasting feels like the only option sometimes. Reality and science have proven though that “not eating” is not a good option. The body needs a certain amount of calories to function. I’m also an athlete, so not eating, or skipping meals, kills me in the long run.

• I am trying to eat more often, but to eat less overall. I almost look at it like I am grazing…
• I’m trying to eat better foods. All calories are not created equal! So yes, I am limiting my sugar and minimizing my carbs. I do this mainly by only having “good stuff” in my OKC apartment.
• I’m not eating out much… When I do though, I try to choose well, and I am trying to just drink water with my meal.

2) Exercise is key… Seriously, I need to do something every day.

• I am focusing currently on adding miles and minutes to my running schedule.  I try to run at least every other day.
• I have been trying to form a habit of daily “exercises” – stuff I can do in my room. Push ups, crunches, etc.
• I also try to swim 3 times a week (and I need to still get in about two bike rides a week)

3) It’s not really a diet, but a way of living my life.

Most diets fail. I want to succeed… So, I really am trying to change the way I think about food and eating. It also means that one “bad” meal or an occasional “splurge” does not derail everything. I am trying to limit splurging though to one or two meals a week.

I have to watch it… With my personality type, I can easily splurge a “little” every day and think I’m not hurting things. A classic example is my kids halloween candy. If I allow a little, before its over I’m eating a handful of candy every evening.

Ultimately, I have to decide what I want more – instant gratification – or to be thin and healthy. In the immortal words of Kate Moss, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

4) Define realistic goals and measure success.

As much as I want to, losing 20 pounds in a week is not realistic. So what is?

• I should be happy with a pound or two a week
• I don’t mind weighing every day, in fact, losing weight becomes addictive and its really fun to see the scale show success
• I have to recognize plateaus and if my weight loss stalls, identify what’s not working

Someday I hope…

Someday I hope to be the friend to someone else that I often wish I had myself.

Someday I hope I can give God the place he deserves in my life.

Someday I hope I’ll figure out how to manage my time better.

Someday I hope I’ll focus long enough to do one thing really well.

Someday I hope I can forgive …and move on.

Someday I hope to be in ministry again.

Too good to not pass on…

A pastor friend of mine, Kester Smith, is creating a post a day for Lent. I read Kester from my google reader, so I’ve been keeping up and enjoying his posts – although – I’m not exactly sure what and how all the posts relate.

Anyway… This prayer from Dietrich Bonhoffer is pretty awesome:

O God, early in the morning I cry to you.

Help me to pray

And to concentrate my thoughts on you;

I cannot do this alone.

In me there is darkness,

But with you there is light;

I am lonely, but you do not leave me;

I am feeble in heart, but with you there is help;

I am restless, but with you there is peace.

In me there is bitterness, but with you there is patience;

I do not understand your ways,

But you know the way for me…

Restore me to liberty,

And enable me to live now

That I may answer before you and before men.

Lord, whatever this day may bring,

Your name be praised.

Amen

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

She loves me; She loves me not …a story about a runner and his GPS watch

I have a love/hate relationship with my GPS training/running watch.

I love the detailed running feedback it gives me! – BUT – I hate looking down and seeing the brutal, impartial, unbiased, actual truth. I can’t tell you how many times I look down and think, “WHAT!!!, am I really going that slow??” …or even worse… “I’ve ONLY run THAT far??“

For Christmas, I got (myself) a Garmin Forerunner 305 with the heart rate strap. I’ve run with it for a couple of months now and I love it! …my only complaint being the size – it’s a tad large. They sell smaller ones, of course, but those were more expensive… I bought mine on EBAY, and actually got a pretty good deal. I’ve had no issues with it not working, or losing signal, or anything so far.

It’s a pretty amazing device. I enjoy the simplicity of just turning it on, hitting one button, and it tracking what I do. It tracks my speed, my heart rate, elevation, time, and all kinds of things. Admittedly, I’m a novice and I am still learning all it can do actually, but so far I really have no complaints.

The computer interface is fun to use and quite easy to use as well. Here’s what it looks like on my screen…

In my opinion, the coolest feature is the GPS tracking and the map that is created from each run. It’s incredibly detailed! (The yellow map above is the Lake Pflugerville Loop). One of my buddies actually spelled out his name (JON) after a track workout one day…lol My wife and I have joked that maybe I should keep it on all day, so she could track my every move.

If you are thinking of getting one, I highly recommend it. I LOVE mine …except when it points out the brutal truth about what a weak runner I am